So much going on

I really should be in bed, but I have so much running through my head right now. Dougs news of deployment next year has sort of become official.. and Im fighting back the tears regularly in order to not make him feel guilty or think he has done somehting wrong. I know in my heart he doesnt want to go either, but it is part of what we have to do as a military family and a sacrifice me and our children have to make.. but it still breaks my heart.. 12 or more months without him is just not fair.. not at all. :*( The kids are who I worry about.. and our relationship once he does return. How will it change? I know it will affect us significantly on a day to day routine sort of way just because I know how I get when he is gone for even a short period of time and returns. Im structured to the T. Mostly out of necessity since our 3 small children work best in our family and smooth with a plan and structure. Not so rigid it makes life no fun.. just structured enough to keep things flowing at a pace comfortable for all and the ability to toss a change in here and there without worry or ramifications. Structure that is good for their well being AND my sanity.
So on top of this stuff I am feeling a lot of weight burying me about my family. We are going to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and it will be nice. I miss my Dad and really am going to try to focus on being understanding about my Mom and the situation she finds herself in now with my Dad now being the one for her to care for instead of vice versa. I know it is scary for her and I pray every day for thier safety and understanding in one another. Her patience is pretty much null... and I know where I get that from thank you very much!
Then tonight Doug gets a message from his oldest daughter. Yes the ones I have been praying about regularly and in a lot of thought about. She says she wants to come here in the summer for a month. Hrmm... strange request to want to come live with us for a month when she says a few weeks ago she wants nothing to do with me.. BUT I am praying this is truly a turn around and maybe a breaking point we have been praying and standing in faith about. I love her.. no matter what the motives might be or the situation might bring. She is his daughter, and my stepdaughter and my childrens oldest sister. She belongs with us in my heart.. and honestly I know our church could fill so much of a void that is in her life if she could only stand up and say she does not want to play games any longer but instead wants to come have a truly full life, go to school where she can enrich herself daily and graduate with 100% backing from us.. then maybe do the internship or God knows what might be in store for her. So young.. Im just so afraid she is being molded into something she will eventually hate. I know how that feels... :(
Anyway so I rambled on enough. I drank way too much coffee tonight before, during and after church so now Im going to attempt to sleep.

Autumn is awesome

I love Autumn. I always have, always will I think. im excited becuase my friend Kelly is getitng married next October and has asked me to be int he wedding. On the other hand I am feeling a little bit.. No, Im not gonna lie, a LOT anxious about how I will feel aobut th dresses she may pick or want us to wear. Ive had my fair share of weight issues and appearance meltdowns.. but I truly feel like i have overcome most of that becuase Im a Mom now.. and although I do not have and will never have the "perfect" body that hollywood and so much of the world expects (which is honestly not natural and only normal for a very small percentage of women to be THAT tiny and bone thin, the rest are usually sick with some sort of eating disorder and I have been there, it isnt fun). i hva found that I become anxious when I know i will be surrounded by those who arent mothers, and who depend so much on societys vision for women and their bodies.

Im not saying i cant be myelf, but I am saying I have reservations now in retrospect about accepting her invitation to be int he wedding. I shouldnt feel that way, but I KNOW I will be the only woman bigger than a size 8 or 10 in the party of 5 girls.. feeling like a sore thumb sticking out. Then I remember that i cannot allow my flesh to win and i HAVE to overcome htis way of thinking that I have fallen back into. Im smaller than I was when I wa sin 8th grade right now.. and i have 3 kids between the ages of 4 and 10months. i should feel empowered and accomplished for htis. Am I as small as i was once before, when I was very sick after surgery? No.. but im healthy and happy and stronger than I was then too! I thank God for that.

Anyway so today I feel like its reallyimportant for me to take some time to encourage myself and use the Word to push my strength along to conquer once and for all these negative doubts in my self esteem. Never feeling pretty enough or good enough is NOT the wayI walk now. NO MORE will I allow these thoughts to come into my mind or spoil my laughter and spirit.

Im a new creaiton in Christ and Im the apple of Gods eye. I know somany other owmen struggle with similar feelings and Im beginning to think this is what i need to go forward with as my calling to help other women. I have been in the depths of negative when it comes to self esteem and worth.. and I have over come with JOY! Does it mean I never have those thoughts pop up? Not at ALL! The bible promises us we will have trials.. and the devil loves to mess withm y head in this area especially, but I ALWAYS overocme with strength when I turn to the Word and trust in God that the htoughts Im battling are lies. Who told me that??? :) It makes me grin and htink aobut those little skits you see with the devil on your shoulder and an angel on the other.. the devil whispering doubts in your ear. We have to flick him off our shoulder like a pesky bug and MOVE ON!

Praise God for the strength of today in my renewal! Life is awesome :)