Been a long while

It has been wuite some time since I got in here to blog. I just seem to veer to my old stand by when it ocmes to blogging.. my original spot that i started wayyyy back when I first moved away form all my family and friends/life i knew. I remember starting to blog when we first got to Maryland.. wow, that seems decades ago.. but nope.. it was right after Doug and I got married.. will be 8 years this April. Wow. Good times.
Im up late. Well, late for ME really. Always happens when my hubby works nights. I just dont have a desire to GO to bed when he isnt with me. He keeps me warm..LOL
I started doing my Wii Fit today and Im going to try to get on it at least once a day to check in and do some training. If nothing ele for fun :) I honestly didnt like how portly it made me look on my little Mii person. Bah! Hahaha! Oh well! Dumb video console!
I had a great night with my kids tonight. I cuddled Vivian to bed and sang to her.. and she laid her head on my shoulder. Oh how I am going to miss that. I cant believe she is already over a year old. Where have my babies gone??
Doug is training for his upcoming deployment to Iraq.. or if they change crap up maybe Afghanistan? *sigh* Who knows. Im just praying it is neither place and events fall into place that he doesnt end up going. Its possible. A promotion MIGHT be happening for him too. That would be nice indeed on top of the raise he got in a time where a lot of people arent getting much of anything called a raise.. more like pink slips. Im not living in fear though... this stuff comes and goes.. it always has and always will. We just need to put our faith and trust in God and stop freaking out about it so much. I also personally think we need to stop being so STUFF oriented. People really think they NEED things that they do not. Myself included at times. Its America for ya I guess? :)
Anyway thats my story and im stickin to it this evening. Praying my hubby lands safe with his two trainee pilots and gets home MAYBE before 2AM? Hey a girl can dream, right? Im going to try to remember to update in here more often. Promise!

So much going on

I really should be in bed, but I have so much running through my head right now. Dougs news of deployment next year has sort of become official.. and Im fighting back the tears regularly in order to not make him feel guilty or think he has done somehting wrong. I know in my heart he doesnt want to go either, but it is part of what we have to do as a military family and a sacrifice me and our children have to make.. but it still breaks my heart.. 12 or more months without him is just not fair.. not at all. :*( The kids are who I worry about.. and our relationship once he does return. How will it change? I know it will affect us significantly on a day to day routine sort of way just because I know how I get when he is gone for even a short period of time and returns. Im structured to the T. Mostly out of necessity since our 3 small children work best in our family and smooth with a plan and structure. Not so rigid it makes life no fun.. just structured enough to keep things flowing at a pace comfortable for all and the ability to toss a change in here and there without worry or ramifications. Structure that is good for their well being AND my sanity.
So on top of this stuff I am feeling a lot of weight burying me about my family. We are going to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and it will be nice. I miss my Dad and really am going to try to focus on being understanding about my Mom and the situation she finds herself in now with my Dad now being the one for her to care for instead of vice versa. I know it is scary for her and I pray every day for thier safety and understanding in one another. Her patience is pretty much null... and I know where I get that from thank you very much!
Then tonight Doug gets a message from his oldest daughter. Yes the ones I have been praying about regularly and in a lot of thought about. She says she wants to come here in the summer for a month. Hrmm... strange request to want to come live with us for a month when she says a few weeks ago she wants nothing to do with me.. BUT I am praying this is truly a turn around and maybe a breaking point we have been praying and standing in faith about. I love her.. no matter what the motives might be or the situation might bring. She is his daughter, and my stepdaughter and my childrens oldest sister. She belongs with us in my heart.. and honestly I know our church could fill so much of a void that is in her life if she could only stand up and say she does not want to play games any longer but instead wants to come have a truly full life, go to school where she can enrich herself daily and graduate with 100% backing from us.. then maybe do the internship or God knows what might be in store for her. So young.. Im just so afraid she is being molded into something she will eventually hate. I know how that feels... :(
Anyway so I rambled on enough. I drank way too much coffee tonight before, during and after church so now Im going to attempt to sleep.

Autumn is awesome

I love Autumn. I always have, always will I think. im excited becuase my friend Kelly is getitng married next October and has asked me to be int he wedding. On the other hand I am feeling a little bit.. No, Im not gonna lie, a LOT anxious about how I will feel aobut th dresses she may pick or want us to wear. Ive had my fair share of weight issues and appearance meltdowns.. but I truly feel like i have overcome most of that becuase Im a Mom now.. and although I do not have and will never have the "perfect" body that hollywood and so much of the world expects (which is honestly not natural and only normal for a very small percentage of women to be THAT tiny and bone thin, the rest are usually sick with some sort of eating disorder and I have been there, it isnt fun). i hva found that I become anxious when I know i will be surrounded by those who arent mothers, and who depend so much on societys vision for women and their bodies.

Im not saying i cant be myelf, but I am saying I have reservations now in retrospect about accepting her invitation to be int he wedding. I shouldnt feel that way, but I KNOW I will be the only woman bigger than a size 8 or 10 in the party of 5 girls.. feeling like a sore thumb sticking out. Then I remember that i cannot allow my flesh to win and i HAVE to overcome htis way of thinking that I have fallen back into. Im smaller than I was when I wa sin 8th grade right now.. and i have 3 kids between the ages of 4 and 10months. i should feel empowered and accomplished for htis. Am I as small as i was once before, when I was very sick after surgery? No.. but im healthy and happy and stronger than I was then too! I thank God for that.

Anyway so today I feel like its reallyimportant for me to take some time to encourage myself and use the Word to push my strength along to conquer once and for all these negative doubts in my self esteem. Never feeling pretty enough or good enough is NOT the wayI walk now. NO MORE will I allow these thoughts to come into my mind or spoil my laughter and spirit.

Im a new creaiton in Christ and Im the apple of Gods eye. I know somany other owmen struggle with similar feelings and Im beginning to think this is what i need to go forward with as my calling to help other women. I have been in the depths of negative when it comes to self esteem and worth.. and I have over come with JOY! Does it mean I never have those thoughts pop up? Not at ALL! The bible promises us we will have trials.. and the devil loves to mess withm y head in this area especially, but I ALWAYS overocme with strength when I turn to the Word and trust in God that the htoughts Im battling are lies. Who told me that??? :) It makes me grin and htink aobut those little skits you see with the devil on your shoulder and an angel on the other.. the devil whispering doubts in your ear. We have to flick him off our shoulder like a pesky bug and MOVE ON!

Praise God for the strength of today in my renewal! Life is awesome :)

I love my husband, family, church.. life!!!

Even with all the worries the stupid devil can throw at me.. Im carefree and anxious for nothing. How? Why? becuase I am being taught by the greatest instructors imagineable that NOTHING good will ever be withheld from me by God.. and that he is my source in ALL times...not just the hard times.
I have had an incredible good positive day. Im looking forward to the last class of the 2M first semester tonight.... not looking forward to Doug having to leave for 3 minght next week but I will manage, as always :) I may even see if my Sister Susan wants to come for a short visit to hang with me and the kids and keep me company. That is always a fun option.. but it is short notice unfortunatly.
I found an interesting site for a calorie free, soy and gluten free "noodle". i was a bit unconvinced...still am honestly. Probably tastes like cardboard since it is made from 'fiber" and water.. haha. If interested check out the site : http://www.miraclenoodle.com/
Well I had better make this short and wrap it up. Im meetign hubby at Guts for 2M at about 5:30 and I still need to get Vivian up from her crib, get her clothes changed and feed her some food. Im hopeful that her tummy troubles has gone away. Poor baby had a diaper rash form the acids :*( I hate that. Gee.. Im not sure if anyone even reads these... lol Oh well, Im journaling at least!

Downward spiral of worries.. go away devil!

My mind is moving way too fast to think clearly right now. My Dad had another surgery on Tuesday fo rhis heart and major blockage. Just found out that he had a stroke during the surgery. He is still in the hospital and htings arent looking good right now. Im truly staying in belief that what is happening with him cannot be becuas eh has given up. After laying his baby brother to rest just last weekend I could feel it in him, hence the last post about my urgency to spend some time with him talking about his faith, etc.
Im still stuck.. and i am so concerned and trying to stay in faith about it all. Im expecting him to recover.. Im demanding Gods word to ring true in his life. He is healed... but it still makes me long to be there at a time when financially it seems impossible. I keep telling myself nothing is impossible with God.. and im staying there. Standing in it with the wind smacking me int he face. It is NOT going toblow me down. i am strong and built on a rock. God will provide a way. The devil is not going to win.
I thank God for my focus being diverted with my 3 little ones. Doug is sowing seed working NightMare for a huge Saturday night from what I hear. That is awesome. My heart is heavy with thoughts about my family in St. Louis, but I know God knows our hearts.. and whatever the plan is for us it will be good.. ALL good comes from above...NOTHING missing nothing broken.
Im going to go crawl into my big comfy "suckthe life out of m" chair and read some good 2M notes and my bible.
God is my source...always

Thankful

I decided yesterday to list at least 2 things I am thankful for daily on my twitter account since I have about 52 days until Thanksgiving and it is ALWAYS nice to think about all we are thankful for. I did this after getting a "tweet" from one of the elders who I admire at church. Yea, it might be a bit cheesy but it is still good for the heart and soul! :)
Doug and i had to go to my unles funeral this past weekend. It wasnt much fun and left me in deep thought about things. My Dad is not in great health and during the funeral of his younger brother a very profound message was given by the officiant. He mad eit clear about his conversation with my Uncle about his salvation.. and it hit me that i hav never made it clear with eithe rof my parents if they have been saved or if they indeed have confessed the Lord Jesus Christ as their savior. It is veryi mportant to me to talk to them in person now.. I feel a very urgent need to do this immediatly. Doug has a 4 day weekend coming soon over Columbus day... this leaves me thinking. I wish we had more income available to go visit. It is SO important right now to do this. Its leaving me with a heavy heart every time I think about it. *sigh*
Anyway Im going to go shower. I have all three kids in bed for naps currently and that NEVER happens, so Im taking full advantage and heading to a haven of warm water and lavendar bubbles. AHhhhhhhhh Garden tub here I COME!

God is awesome

Ok so fall is always my favorite time ofyear. It always gives me excitement and allows me to regroup my thoughts and breathe a little easier.. that is before I start decoratingand sprucing up the house for an awesome holiday of Halloween, Thanksgiving and then.. ta da... Christmas! :)
Doug and i have been standing in faith for our mortgage to be refinanced at a much lower rate. Today our prayers were answered. This is a VERY big deal lemme tell you. Just 2 short years ago i hadnt ever imagined that we would be able to wrap our minds around home ownership, and now we are so lucky to have an interest rate that Dougs credit would have never qualified for otherwise had we not been able to do what we did back then. Wow.. God is awesome!
Now we are just holding strong on Doug not going anywhere. The word is right now all training is pointing to a deloyment in Oct 09 for him. So much can change between now and then, and Im staying confident he isnt going anywhere. Doug has been struggling a lot with fears and anxiety I think overall about it, and it is truly giving him faith a smack down beyond compare, but thankfully with us being so rooted in our church and having a great support system around us we have managed to stand so far and not take too much of a beating. We have had spats.. been forced to tears a couple of times, but in the end we KNOW God is going to protect our family and keep us safe and together no matter what.
Doug has really been fortunate to have one of the elder sin our church become rather close. He confide sin him and knows it willa lways be a positive and uplifting word without anything being just what he "should" say. Roger doesnt blow smoke up.. if you know what I mean. Luckily also we ar ein 2M this year together and it is so awesome. All of it is fiting together really perfect, all becuase we know Gods will is perfect peace for us. No worry, no stress... its all taken care of and paid in full.
OK I'm gonna have to cut this shorter than I had anticipated. Vivi is awake and im sure hse is hungry. Little sleepy head! Wake up at 11:30! I would say I wish I could sleep int hat late, but come to think of it no I dont.. I would have a sleep headache! hahah!
Ciao for now.